just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
