You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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