Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
