I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
