Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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