White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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