god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
