i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
