Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
high people should be assigned attendants
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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