I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
