I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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