we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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