I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
