i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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