I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
