It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Text me some of your sweat
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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