I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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