I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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