You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't deserve a penis
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
