Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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