Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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