Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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