lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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