just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
