At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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