it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Oh god it's open bar.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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