He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
