I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
