Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
