I puked a lego.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
