Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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