I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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