she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
