There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
