Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
