Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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