I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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