I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
