I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i love accidental penises.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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