the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We are two peas in an std pod
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
