I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
