just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
