Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
