My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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