she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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