im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
