the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
