Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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