I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Someone came in the potted fern
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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