you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
