Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
