If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
