i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
