the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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