It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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