Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
