A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
