YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
