Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
