she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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