cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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