I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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